Eternal Things

Dear Kids,

I know you think I'm pretty amazing, which I am, but lately I've been having a hard time! And this morning after a month of no income, being thrown up on constantly, a lack of a normal sleep schedule, and missing my parents a bunch, I curled up on my bed in a pile of graham cracker crumbs, hugged my stuffed animal, Puppy, and cried because I wanted my mommy and daddy.

As I was lying there, feeling overwhelmed, sad and pretty pathetic, I secretly laughed at how I must have looked.

25 years old, curled up with my childhood toy, crying.

I decided I needed to write this experience down. I decided I needed to share a story that doesn't exactly have a happy ending right now.

I wish I could finish with this paragraph:

"Your dad started a job today! Great insurance, wonderful pay, room to move up in the company. I mean, we won't be millionaires, you kids won't be spoiled, but we will have enough to buy a private plane to fly your grandparents out here every weekend. Kacie, you're potty trained now and Kalvin you've stopped spitting up every 5 seconds. We also found a great place to live. It's not too fancy but we will grow into it and it has 6 bathroom. You guys don't understand the importance of having that many bathrooms, but if I'm ever going to be pregnant again, 6 bathrooms might be enough. I go on runs every day so I've lost like 50 pounds in a week and I've totally kicked my sugar cravings."

Unfortunately, that's not the paragraph I can write.

The truth is that I just finished a pint really small serving of ice cream and the last time I ran was to the grocery store to buy previously mentioned ice cream. And by 'ran' I mean I drove.

The truth is that we all have days or months like this.

We like to put up happy, pretty pictures from the park or of our fancy dinners when our hair is done and our sanity is in check.

"Look at this fancy meal I made. #healthymom"

or, "Took the kids to the park on this perfect summer day. We love picnics! #fitmom"

Or my favorite (that I can't figure out), "Curled my hair for the 6th day in a row and put on makeup to take myself out. #takingcareofme"

Occasionally we put things up about burning dinner, or not leaving the house in a week, or being tired but not often do we get really real with each other. The only reason I didn't put a picture of myself crying on the bed, is because no one was around to take it!

I think I would have captioned it something like "This week sucks. Not looking for sympathy, I know Heavenly Father is looking out for me. Just wanting to let others know that you aren't alone in having sucky days! And sometimes it's ok to cry and be sad. #tiredmom"

Right now, my life isn't what I want it to be. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just not what I want it to be. And that's okay. We need ups and downs so that when we are up, we know we are up because previously we were down. And when we are down, we know that we are down because we have previously been up.

When things in my life get tough I often think of and read this talk by Elder Wirthlin, Sunday Will Come. Although the talk is mainly about losing a loved one, the message brings so much peace to my soul in all situations. I encourage you to read the whole talk, but this small excerpt from it is what's helping me today:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays - Those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death - Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

Right now, things are still tough. Our future is a little uncertain as we take this next step in our life. I'm trying to trust Heavenly Father and I am excited for what He has in store for my family.

But right now, there are times when I struggle. There are moments when my heart aches with longing to see my family. There are minutes I spend thinking of the things that I want that seem too far in the future. There are days when I just want to take a break from being a mom, to enjoy my hobbies again. There are too often, times when I just want to take a nap!

My Sunday has not arrived yet. I still feel like my world is scattered around me. I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces, (my back still hurts from being with child for 9 months, and I don't always have clothes on) but it will take time.

I am grateful for the literal Sunday that comes each week. For the chance to stop and remember my Savior and the sacrifice that was made for me. It is part of the process of picking up those pieces. It is a day when I can focus on putting the pieces back together, but more importantly, it is a day when I can focus on how the Lord would have me put those pieces back together.

Kids, you will experience heartache and confusion. You will be tried and tempted. You will experience sadness and frustration. 

And that's ok. We aren't meant to have it all together, all of the time. We aren't supposed to always be perfect and look our best while serving others and keeping our house clean.

Sometimes you're going to have a bad month. It will suck and you'll be dying for it to end and ever hoping it doesn't last longer than it already has.

But you have an opportunity among that sadness. You will be in a position to lean on your Savior and your soul will cry out 'Father, please help me!' And you can gain strength, as I have, by recalling the closing words of Elder Wirthlin:

That we may always know that no matter how dark our Friday, Sunday will come!"

Kids, in those difficult times, have faith that things will all work out.

But most importantly, don't ever move far away from your dad and I. We promise you will miss us and regret it.

Love,

Mom & Dad