I Hate Lemonade.

One year ago, yesterday, Kyle graduated from the police academy. To say we were excited would be an understatement. It had been a really long year prior to this and we were ready for some relief. We have struggled since the day we moved to Missouri and we felt this was finally the answer we were looking for.

Watching him graduate was a very satisfying moment for me. I knew how hard he had worked and how much he wanted this. We both felt so strongly that this was the career path fit for him and to see him finish was a wonderful feeling.

Upon graduating, many classmates had already been hired and over the next few months most of the remaining would follow in being hired.

It hasn't been for lack of interviews, he's done plenty of those. For several months, each interview brought exciting new prospects. We would picture ourselves living near or in that city, we looked at housing and imagined our family growing in those communities. We got our hopes up only to be repeatedly turned down for the job.

At first, we would be bummed for a bit and then jump back up with the same vigor as before. "It's okay. The Lord has a plan for us. It's not you, you'll get the next one." He even got so far in the hiring process with one department that we actually thought he was hired.

Wrong.

So we dragged ourselves through the heartache of not being hired; "It's okay, probably. It was a dumb reason. You don't want to work for a department who cares about that anyway. You'll get the next one. Heavenly Father knows what we need."

He had a few more interviews, finally got pretty far again with another department. We were cautious to get our hopes up for this one but it seemed like it could be really good for us.

The time frame they were looking to hire was going to be perfect for when baby #3 was due. Obviously this was going to be the job because Heavenly Father knew that we needed this. We were not making it on our own as it was and we were adding another child! Surely, Heavenly Father wouldn't let us be jobless now.

Denied.

Baby #3 arrived and at this point we felt very distraught. We started looking into and applying for other jobs. Anything with higher pay would be fine. With a bachelors degree and the academy under his belt, he is definitely qualified to get something!

I feel I need to clarify that this post is not a complaint.

"If we all threw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else's, we would grab ours back."

I believe this. There are many trials, and struggles that I know for sure I do not want to deal with.

I'm not looking for advice (but I won't turn it away). I'm not looking for anyone to fix my problems (but if you can, please do). And I'm not trying to make everyone feel bad for me (although you can feel bad with me. That's empathy, people.)

I want to put my story out there because I don't think I'm alone in my feelings. My story doesn't have a happy ending right now. In fact, there isn't much in my story that is happy.

Kyle still has not been hired. He hasn't even been able to get a better paying job to help until he does get in with a police department. I wouldn't even say that we are scraping by. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, we are drained.

I am going to basically quote this whole video, it's just that good! But watch it HERE because it says everything I feel!

She starts off by saying that she miscarried her second child, 5 days later her dad died and 6 weeks later her husband passed away. Pretty tough. I can not imagine all that loss piling up so quickly. Yuck.

"Everybody is so uncomfortable with discomfort. That's why I told people I was fine."

I read an article a long time ago and it talked about reconnecting with people. It talked about asking questions we really want to know answers to, and then being willing to honestly answer questions that people ask us.

The example given was the simple, but common greeting, "How are you?" followed by the all too common answers 'I'm good.' or 'I'm fine.' How often do we answer untruthfully? Just automatically respond with no thought to our answer because it's what we always say. Since reading that article, I have tried to answer more honestly.

And one thing that I have noticed is that people often don't know what to say when my response is a negative emotion. The response is often 'I'm sorry' and then the conversation is switched to other things to avoid discomfort.

I get that.

I struggle with that! Sometime's it is really hard to know what to say because we don't want to hurt or offend. But we have to stop pretending that we don't have emotions and feelings other than 'good' or 'fine!' If someone asks you how you are doing, tell them!

My best friend became my best friend because she let me be sad. She encouraged me to share my struggles and has continued to stick by my side through them! She lets me express my sadness and when I do, I often feel better and am able to find some joy out of that moment.

"Be okay with not being okay. Then make everyone else around you be okay with you not being okay."

Defeated, crushed and trapped.

Depressed, anxious, confused, angry.

Broken.

Exhausted.

Failure.

Hopeless.

Most of the time, I feel these emotions.

Yes, I have things that bring me joy. My kids, my husband, my family. They bring me pure, unequivocal, JOY! I am happy when I am with people that I love.

"You don't have to make lemonade out of lemons."

Guys, I hate lemonade. If you were to hand me a lemon, the last thing I would do with it is make lemonade. (Side note, the first thing I would do would be to try and magically turn it into chocolate. And if that didn't work I would throw it away.)

Maybe our 'lemons' come from choices we make. Maybe they come from choices others make. Or maybe lemons just arrive of their own free will. Maybe they sprout tiny feet, drop off the tree, scurry across the yard and let themselves in because this is life, and they are magic lemons, and lemons are the worst.

I know that there have been trials that I have brought on from my choices. I can see where I could have picked different things. But I can not go back in time and change those, and even if I did, it wouldn't necessarily fix the struggles that came for other reasons.

We love a sad story if it also comes with a triumph. We want people to take their lemons and make them into lemonade. Sometimes life doesn't even hand you lemons. It just hits you with them, repeatedly. And it's okay to just be like, 'That sucks, this is the worst. These are the worst lemons I've ever tasted."

I can't even begin to describe how much I relate to that. I have found that the best thing for me, right now, is to take my life day by day.

"Maybe the standard for suffering isn't that you become the very best at it. That you turn it into some hot, fire Instagram content. Maybe it's just that you survive it today."

Some people believe that prayer and faith bring blessings.

Others think that it is hard work that brings success.

There are those who believe in luck and opportunity.

I think I started off as the first. I truly believed that having God on my side would give us an advantage in life. With Him on our side we would be guided and directed to where we needed to be to get the job that was right for us.

God and a little hard work would surely bring success. So when the job continued to not come I figured we needed to work a little harder. Apply to more jobs, apply to jobs further away, I got a job.

Well, so far that hasn't worked either.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. There is something inside of me (drugs?*) that get's me out of bed each day. I might say it's hope, but I don't feel hopeful.

Each and every day is a struggle. Some days are better than others. Some days are even really, really good. Most days are stressful.

"If you're going through hell, you have to do nothing else except go through it."

Now, being the person that I am, I don't really want to just leave this on a depressing note. So I will quote a small part of the song 'When You Believe'

"Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill"

I don't wake up with excitement for the day. I rarely have fun things planned, schedules to follow or things to do. I don't often go to bed thinking that I am so blessed to be living the life that I am.

But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what I do have.

I have a wonderful best friend. She doesn't judge me for being a complainer.

I have AMAZING parents. They always know what to say, even when they don't know what to say! I am glad to have their example to follow.

I love my kids. They make life enjoyable. They are the reason I love my life. They make life worth living.

I love my husband. I don't know why no one has hired him because I think he is spectacular! When others would have given up, he has kept going, as hard as it has been.

When we are all together, we are happy.

It's okay to not know what to say when our friends or family are hurting. But the wrong thing to do is to try and fix it.

Watch THIS video about empathy (if you didn't watch it above).

When I am having a bad day, I know that I can call my parents and get no advice from them. They will literally say to me "We've been there and it sucks. I don't know what to tell you. But I'm glad you called and we love you."

And that is the perfect thing to hear. They don't pretend that life is perfect, or easy.

Maybe this post will help someone else. Maybe it will just make everyone uncomfortable.

Talking about my struggles makes them seem smaller and knowing that I am not alone helps me push through.

"Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly 'You got this. Keep going.'" (unknown)

*Don't worry. They're legal drugs. I have a prescription.

Elephants, Hippos and Giraffes!

Dear children,

We decided to head to the zoo with Grandma Tracey one day.

As you can tell Kalvin, you are very excited! Although you certainly don't really have any trouble being excited at all.

The hippos were really entertaining that day. They just kept going back and forth. It was awesome for you to be able to see them so close.

You were putting your hand up as they went buy like you were petting them.

There were also a lot of big fish in the tank. So when the hippos were swimming elsewhere, you were still entertained by all the fish.

Elephants are always the highlight of the zoo.

Kalvin, you always take life on the easy road. Feet up, kickin back, letting everyone else do all the work. Dad and I love having you kids to take places. The way you react to new things makes life so much more enjoyable!

When we got back from the zoo, there was a package waiting for us from Grandma Sandra and Grandpa Jim. They sent 'If You Give a Moose a Muffin' for Kacie and 'If You Give a Dog a Donut' for Kalvin.

Grandma sent me some mumus to help make it easier to get around the house

And, my favorite part, a giraffe necklace, because she loves me. 

The best part is that several years ago she gave me these giraffe earrings, so now I wear them together and they help me feel better when I am sad.

You are lucky to have grandparents both near and far that love you and love to do fun things for you!

Love,

Mom and Dad

Baby Feet, Lunch Date and New Hair!

Dear kids,

You guys always make me laugh.

Although I don't exactly remember what you're doing here, Kacie.

I bought some makeup from the dollar store and then scraped it out and put nail polish in. It's really awesome! And you love to pretend to put make up on.

This is one of my favorite pictures of you two. I think that our babies will always be born loving water. Daddy always says that the bath is where you will start your training for the Olympics. 

No pressure, but you're already way behind Michael Phelps.

Your sweet Aunt Kassidi took me out for lunch one day. We went to Fitz's for some small appetizers and delicious floats. We also chose to sit at the bar. It was pretty exciting because neither of us have ever really done that... although, we only ordered non-alcoholic beverages...

These floats are seriously amazing. We need to go back there soon...

On our way home we were driving behind this van. It was creeping us out because it looks like there is a head leaning off to the side. We tried to catch up to get a better view but ended up going different ways. I really just want to know what it actually was!

When we got home, You were having a tea party with grandma, I think.

You have so much fun playing with all of the kitchen stuff. And you certainly make some delicious tea!

Well Kalvin, you have officially started doing my favorite thing that babies do - grabbing your feet! I think it is just the cutest, silliest thing! I just love that babies are proportioned so that grabbing their feet is just natural, but when adults do it, or even Kacie, it just starts to look uncomfortable!

You dad and I are so lucky to have such good sleepers. You are sleeping through the night and I'm not having to nurse you a lot. Look how relaxed and comfortable you are! Not a care in the worls, except getting your needed shut eye!

Aunt Ang bought you this dress Kacie. It is just the cutest little thing and I love it with this bright pink. You are getting so big and love having your picture taken.

Swinging with Aunt Kassidi

I was down stairs, probably nursing Kalvin and I looked over and there was Kacie, peeking through the window! The windows are slightly tinted so you had to get really close to see.

Kalvin, throwing up gang signs while watching me do laundry. I think you look like your dad in this picture! And its not because of the gang sign!

I believe that I was laying on the ground watching you guys play. Kalvin was probably doing tummy time. Kacie came over with a pillow and made us all lay on them.

Kalvin clearly wasn't sure what was going on.

But then he must have realized he was looking at himself and he was good!

Unfortunately, Missouri has not been nice to my hair. It must be a combination of the humidity and the fact that I just had a baby, but I was in definite need of a haircut. And I love it!

Missouri has brought a lot of changes for us and my hair is not really the most exciting. I can't wait to start exploring all the fun things that are here!

love,

mom and dad

Catching Up

Dearest Kiddos,

Well, this post has pictures from like, July of 2015 and it is currently March 22 of 2017.

Wowzers. I am behind!

Living in the basement made it hard to sit and type without some disruption from you two. But I have kept notes on my phone and continued taking pictures of your adorable faces and of our somewhat exciting lives.

Unfortunately, because so much time has lapsed, I don't always remember if there is a story behind the picture or if it was just cute. I will do my best, or I'll just fake it til I make it!

Now I am determined to get caught up and continue to document your lives because I think it will be so fun for you to look back and see yourselves growing up. 

One thing that is nice about living with your parents is that it is really easy to go out without the kids! So we left them one evening and went to dinner - I believe the cheesecake factory - and then went to downtown St. Charles.

We had a lot of fun just exploring what Main Street has to offer. Its mostly just little shops but there are also statues all along.

We can't believe how big you are getting Kacie. My favorite thing that you have done lately was the other day you were hungry. You had asked for snacks and I said I would get them in a minute, I wasn't sure where they were. Then you looked around and said "Snaaaacks! Wher'd gooo?!" 

You still love nursery and had no problem adjusting to a new nursery. I love it because it makes you sleepy!

I don't think you were actually as unhappy as you look in this picture, Kalvin. Kacie just really wanted to hold you and how could I say no to that cute face?!

While living with your grandparents, you both became very interested in their glasses. You were often pulling them off their faces and running around in them.

When Kacie was a baby she would spit up huge amounts, once. Kalvin, you spit up all the time, all day, everywhere. We have to keep you contained on a towel or blanket. I don't know what we will do when you start crawling!

I found these sunglasses at Target and you love them! Except you don't ever seem to get them on the right way!

We are going to attempt to start potty training you, but it will be difficult as there is not a bathroom in the basement. You are excited about your new Minnie Mouse seat though.

When we moved here to Missouri, we thought we had a good plan. Turns out it hasn't been a great one (hindsight isn't very helpful) and we've had a lot of tough days. I took this picture of me with my Puppy from when I was a little kid. It was not a great week and I hugged Puppy a lot. I'm not saying you need a stuffed animal for the rest of your life, but I do want you to know that it's ok to cry sometimes! Life isn't always easy and it is more difficult if you don't work through your emotions. Don't bottle them up! Your dad and I will always be available for a hug too!

This slide has been a great purchase. You love it so much, and its great for me because I don' have to take you outside every time you want to slide.

Kacie, your hair will always be a great source of jealousy for me. It is perfect in every way! Now I just need to work on parting your hair and it will be flawless. I love giving you little French braids because they make you seem older, and it's adorable!

I sometimes wonder if you will ever grow hair Kalvin. You are bald, and that is opposite of Kacie! Fortunately for you, Your dad and I make cute children with or without hair!

You really are such a handsome little man. I can't believe that you are mine!

We have really enjoyed watching you both grow lately. You both bring so much joy into our lives!

And more importantly, you make us look good.

Chubby, sleeping babies are always a good thing to take a picture of.

And cute little girls in cute little dresses, too!